


Make Love Not War (It's All Mitama's Fault)

by Quintet



Category: Magia Record: Puella Magi Madoka Magica Side Story, Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Action, Comedy, F/F, Horny Teenagers, Mystery, Yuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:54:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28150461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quintet/pseuds/Quintet
Summary: Seize the means of meguca reproduction
Relationships: Amane Tsukasa/Amane Tsukuyo, Ami Ria/Kozue Mayu, Awane Kokoro/Kagami Masara, Ayano Rika/Isuzu Ren, Izumi Kanagi/Togame Momoko/Yakumo Mitama, Nanami Yachiyo/Tamaki Iroha
Kudos: 18





	Make Love Not War (It's All Mitama's Fault)

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for a contest on UCC's discord server several months ago. It was originally posted by accident as "It's All Mitama's Fault" by a well-meaning anon from Pastebin. I had planned on making a revised version of this (since I wrote it all in about six hours) for a while now and I still do, but with Pastebin being nuked I wanted people to be able to read the original.

“Have you heard? Has anyone told you?”

“Every night, the voices of other girls echo across the abandoned alleys and backstreets. They say you can see pretty lights in all sorts of colors!”

“I heard that they’re ghosts of girls who’ve gone missing!”

“Ehhh? I could’ve sworn it was someone in my class… how spooky…”

Rumors lit up the gossip networks in every school across Kamihama, with every explanation more fantastical than the last. Even the teachers could be heard discussing them when they thought that no students were around. Anyone who doubted simply had to go out in the hours when night veiled the city; voices crying out in pain and triumph, flickering lights in all colors of the rainbow, all could be seen and heard just out of the corner of your perception.

“Oh, I don’t believe in those silly ghost stories,” one Chuo Academy student was heard saying. She fiddled with her hair, tied up in two loops. “You know how people are… they’ll believe any old thing you tell them, just because they’re bored… oh, this burn? Ah, I went camping this weekend and I had an accident with the campfire, it’s no biggie!” Not seen by her classmates was the glance she made with a silver-haired girl in the back of the class, their eyes full of meaning.

Just a floor down, another girl was reassuring her friends in a similar manner.

“Yeah, I tripped and fell on my way out of the house like a total moron. Good thing I’ve been cutting my nails lately, or I would’ve broken them! How lame would that be?”

“But Rika,” the purple-haired girl closest to her frowned, “this is the third time in the past couple of weeks. You know, you can tell me anything… oh, I’m sorry!” She had placed hand on Rika’s shoulder, only for her to suddenly recoil in pain.

“Ah, d-don’t worry about it.” Rika’s phone buzzed. “Oh, its… gotta use the ladies room! Be right back!” Before anyone could react she hurried off.

Even the wealthy estates of Mizuna Ward were not immune to these mysteries.

“Tsukuyo. Your fingers are not moving nearly fast enough. Your form is unacceptable. Is this what the Akatsuki family has come to? What do you have to say for yourself?” The Akatsuki matriarch exuded pure scorn upon her granddaughter, whose supple fingers were curled around the strings of a koto.

“Forgive me, Grandmother. I have… have trouble getting sufficient sleep.”

“Is it those ridiculous ghost stories that have been going around!? Unbelievable… I have no choice but to restrict your time outside until the recital.”

“With all due respect, Grandmother…”

“You WILL respect me, Tsukuyo! You are the daughter of the Akatsuki…”

“Then play the koto your damn self!” Tsukuyo screamed. The old crone flinched as if struck. Before the shock could fade away, Tsukuyo threw down the instrument and ran off into the dusk, ignoring the angry shrieks behind her.

To the uninitiated, these were mere rumors, something to liven up the grind of daily existence. But to a select few, this was the spillover of a secret war. When the night drew its curtain upon the city, its streets became the battlefield for Magical Girls.

The shadows of Chuo Ward’s Radio Tower were ripped apart by flashes of red light.

“We’re not giving up this time!” Rika yelled as another flash of crimson erupted from her compact mirror. Kokoro took a defensive stance, blocking Rika’s attacks without moving an inch. “Ren and I… we’ve waited so long for this chance!”

“Sorry, Rika, but Masara and I can’t give up either! This pounding in my chest won’t be satisfied any other way!” Taking advantage of a gap in Rika’s onslaught, she smashed her tonfa into the ground, releasing shockwaves that brought Rika to the ground. Behind her, she heard the clang of metal on metal.

Masara’s sword had caught the blade of Ren’s scythe. Neither of them spoke; their eyes, glowing with determination, said everything.

Meanwhile, the sound of flutes echoed from the horizon.

Behind the historic Mizuna Castle, Tsukuyo and Tsukasa played a wild melody on their twin flutes.

“Our resonance…”

“Will bring you to your knees!”

Ria and Mayu doubled over in pain. Clamping her hands over her ears, Ria angrily stamped her foot.

“Ugh, are you kidding me? It’s bad enough that Mizuna's foremost beauty has to work up a sweat… but to the flute freaks? Don’t you know who I am?”  
“Tsukasa and I have been together since the womb… You could never understand our bond!”

“Right?” Tsukasa chimed in. “There’s no way you could hope to match our love, Rita!”

“It’s RIA!” Ria screamed as she fired an arrow at the twins.

“Um… Ria… I don’t think we should be fighting… Can’t we all share?” Mayu murmured behind her.

“Mayu, you’re a sweet girl, but you’ve got to understand that there are some things that a lady simply cannot compromise on!”

“Ria…”

Across every ward, the fighting continued. Many of Kamihama’s Magical Girls could still remember the violence of the Ward War that tore Chuo apart, but this was different. Pairs of Magical Girls fought anyone they came across, even friends from the same ward. It wasn’t a war… It was a battle royale.

Within the Coordinator’s shop, the most prominent Magical Girls of the city gathered. Yachiyo and Mifuyu sat on one side of a glass table, Kanagi on the other. Between them sat Hinano, propped up on a pile of pillows. Momoko lounged in a chair nearby, waiting for Mitama to return.

“It’s getting out of hand.” Hinano was the first to speak up. “Chuo hasn’t been on edge like this for a year now, but I never thought that my kouhais would be fighting amongst themselves.”

“It’s the same in the East,” Kanagi replied curtly. “In fact, I’d say that the girls in each ward have been fighting amongst each other more so than anyone on the other side of town. I must admit, I at first suspected this to be a Magius plot, but it seems that they’re just as confused as we are.”

“You’re right.” Mifuyu sighed. “The Feathers are in chaos. The Magius have been off in their own little world like usual for the most part, but at this rate the organization might collapse.”

“That’s fine by us,” Yachiyo replied coldly. “Why are you even here? In fact, I haven’t even seen much of a change in anything.”

“That’s because she’s been shut inside Mikazuki Villa this whole time.” Momoko chimed in. “Of course you’re not gonna notice all the stuff going down when you’re holed up in your little love nest all day long...”

“What Iroha and I do in the privacy of our home is none of your concern, Momoko.”

“Ugh, TMI!” Hinano yelled. “Can those of us who AREN’T lovestruck bonobos just get down to business already?

“Now, now~” a singsong voice interrupted the argument. “Can’t we all just kiss and make up? Your lovely Coordinator doesn’t like seeing you girls fighting.” Mitama returned, swinging a grocery bag back and forth.

Kanagi spoke up. “The problem, Mitama, is that we don’t like seeing girls fighting either. Yet girls are fighting in the streets, regardless of ward. It’s gotten so brazen that even the normal citizens of the city are talking about it. My dream was for the oppressive barriers of the wards to be torn down, but not so that everyone could just fight amongst themselves…”

“Yeah, but the strange thing is, I don’t really sense any hostility from it. Before, everyone in Chuo was paranoid, afraid of anyone from outside, but now it’s just… something else. It’s almost like a….” Hinano didn’t dare to speak the next words that came to her mind:

_It’s almost like a mating season._

“And even though everyone’s been fighting, none of the injuries have been serious.” Now Mifuyu spoke. “Some of the Feathers have even been looking forward to it. I don’t think I’ve seen the Amane sisters this excited since they reunited.”

“I don’t really care about those flute freaks. Can I go now? Iroha has dinner waiting.”

“Yacchan, I know that we’re enemies right now, but you’re still the leader of the West. This concerns you just as much as anyone.”

The discussion grew more and more animated until Kanagi noticed Mitama trying to slink away.

“Mitama. Where do you think you’re going?”

“My~ Since you all came here to entertain me I thought I might fix you all up something to eat.”

“Nobody wants that. And since I’m sure you’ve met with all of these girls, you definitely have an idea of what’s going on.”

“She’s right,” Hinano piped up. “You know everyone in this city, so it stands to reason that you know what the hell’s going on.”

Everyone’s gaze was locked on Mitama. There was no mistaking the guilty smile on her face.

“Well, it’s my job to protect my clients’ secrets…”

“Oh, is this about that new room you built last month?”

All eyes now turned to Momoko.

“Rena and Kaede were talking about it. I told them that they could probably just borrow a room at Yachiyo’s place, but then Rena just started yelling at me. Other than that though, the two of them have been getting along a lot better lately.”

“Now that I think about it, Mitama, what are these building materials?” Kanagi gestured to the boards and plaster stuffed away in a corner. “You out of everyone should know that there’s no use in lying to me.”

“The faster we learn how this was all your fault the faster I can get back eating Iroh- ahem, dinner.”

With the various leaders of the city in the same room all united toward one goal, there was no recourse other than to come clean.

“Oh, well, it’s nothing really… I just thought that I would promote the bonds between Magical Girls!” Getting no response, she continued. “We Magical Girls are always so busy, so those of us with girlfriends don’t always have the time or space to enjoy some… alone time. So I thought, ‘Gosh, Mitama, that’s yet another service you could humbly provide to your grateful customers!’ For a small fee, of course.”

Silence.

Mifuyu leaned over to Hinano’s ear. “She’s means se-”

“I KNOW WHAT SHE’S SAYING!” The tiny girl’s face was glowing red. “I can’t b-believe all this is a bunch of horny teenagers!”

“Yes,” Kanagi nodded. “It seems that the conflict stems from the fact that there is only one room available for the night. Thus, Magical Girl couples are fighting for the right to use the room in order to have intercourse. It also seems that this is the reason why Mitama cancelled our date last Thursday.”

“Yeah, and she flaked out on me the other day!” Momoko yelled. “Me and Kanagi agreed to share, but that doesn’t mean you can just ditch the both of us for your love hotel!”

“So angry… All I’m doing is providing a service for a need. After all, your parents aren’t going to be conveniently out of town every weekend.”

“I have my own house so this doesn’t concern me, but I wouldn’t trust such a room not to be filled with hidden cameras.”

“It’s alright, Yachiyo. I’ve already read her mind. There’s nothing fishy about the room. And nobody wants to hear about your lust for underaged girls.”

“Hey, do you hear that outside?” Mifuyu interrupted. “It sounds like… chants”

Indeed, all of the girls could hear a chorus of voices, slowly swelling to a crescendo of noise.

“Our love is not a war!”

“Magical Girls will fight no more!”

“Listen to your clientele!”

“Free the Mitama Love Hotel!”

Magical Girls from across Kamihama were marching, hand in hand. Daito joined hands with Mizuna, Feathers with non-Feathers, East with West, all singing one song. There were no wards, no class struggles; all there was was mutual empathy and understanding. One Kamihama stood before the Coordinator’s shop.

“It’s beautiful…” Kanagi cried.

“It’s an angry mob,” Yachiyo replied. “And it’s all Mitama’s fault.”

In the end, Mitama pledged to build an entire upper floor of rooms. It was a community effort, with girls all across the city coming together to provide materials and help in the building process. And in time, Kamihama came to be known as a place where Magical Girls could be saved from their sexual frustration.


End file.
